The Arachnid Zone

The Real Edward Wells is practically invincible but even superman has his kryptonite. Edwards single defect comes in the form of 8 legged creatures hailing from the 7th circle of hell. These creatures can render Edward utterly useless, and despite searching the globe for an antidote he still is incapable of being within 100yrds of an amber alert arachnoid zone (Alert grading discussed later).

Once Edward and I were helping His brother Steve clear out his shed, a task for one person 2 hours, for three, around 40 minutes. 3 hours were lost that day whilst we took on the arachnid scum. We fashioned sticks from scrap metal to defend ourselves, valiantly holding back the enemy with short shrieking and the occasional requirement to de-robe incase there was a stow away, which there never was. The battle would only be interrupted occasionally by Steven returning for another load of waste with words such as “Have you two done anything yet?” And “this would have been faster on my own”. Which he was right. This conflict is still on going to this day.

Arachnoid Alert Levels

RED ALERT: there is a spider in plane sight, immediate action is required and all other tasks must be postponed.

AMBER ALERT: a spider has been seen and is now not visible, this level must be escalated as soon as possible to a red alert so action can be taken. All other tasks must be postponed.

GREEN ALERT: The Real Edward Wells is always on green alert, he can never rest or reach any normal level of comfort for threat of an Amber or Red Alert.